self-pitying, whiny, very long rant ahead

It's always easy for me to see the problems in other people's relationships. That sounds pretty awful and judgmental but it's true - maybe having lived through an abusive relationship for four of the most formative years of my life did wind up teaching me something. Not to say that's always the problem; I don't even know if that's the reason but whatever it is, I'm really perceptive when it comes to that sort of thing.

I saw last night that two of my closest friends, T and N who have been dating about 6 months now, are beginning some issues. She is prone to starting arguments with him and then getting huffy and self-righteous when he (as has always been his nature) takes it to a higher, more conceptual intellectual level that she can't follow. She puts herself above him all the time. But he really only dates girls like that, it's what he's used to. Then he gets overwhelmed and wears away at them until they dump him. It's really too bad because they are great otherwise.

Um, why am I discussing this? Well, I see the problems in my own relationships just as clearly, but I can't tell how things will play out. Most of all I see myself falling back into old habits, I see the stupid excuses pouring forth, but I can't stop it happening. The other day John actually told me straight out that he likes making certain types of girls miserable - it makes him happy. He won't stop screwing with them because it's "part of who he is," even though in the process he's hurting me so much. And yet I am perfectly able to convince myself that making me miserable doesn't please him; it's not a goal, it's an unfortunate side effect. Although I have my doubts as to how exactly he feels about our pseudo-relationship, I am sure it's not for the fucking me over aspect he so enjoys with the others. (And yet another part of me says - how sad is it that I can actually believe that?)

I bitched him out about it the other day and realized how much he is really willing to sacrifice to keep being an asshole. I said things that upset him (but were true, just said harshly, I think) and made him worry that I'm trying to control his life (when in reality I don't care what he does with his life, I'm trying to take control of my own life). So, now he's not speaking to me - he needs "time."

Through the wonders of Facebook I realized he was having a conversation with one of his music skanks while we were talking about this serious issue, and while I was sobbing to him about being an awful friend. Now I see that he's used this fight with me to continue his awful manipulations of this other music skank - "don't defriend her...remember, 'really good friends' don't get mad at each other :)" she wrote on his wall. I can't even explain the levels of bullshit here. He's playing innocent, making her feel bad for him, and I'm sure making me out to be horrible. All so that when she really falls for him hard he can fuck her and reject her. That's not even hyperbole - it's literally his pre-thought-out plan.

Just the thought that he's discussing our situation with his music skanks (while he won't talk to me) makes me feel sick, and more so because I know he's playing it to his advantage. When is time going to be up? How ridiculous is it that I'm still thinking, "well...I know him apart from his bitterness, I know the real John, and I know when he's done amusing himself he will come back to me." Hell, I don't even want to date him, so why am I so concerned? Well, I know that too but I won't go into it as it turns out to be a much deeper problem I have. I just don't get how I can see all of this from a disgusted outsider's perspective and the kind of beaten girlfriend thing I have going on.

T could help me out of this if he weren't so afraid of me at this point - he's the only person in the world who believes I can be strong (or "empowered" as he likes to say but that word squicks me out) and get past of all the issues M left me with. Little wonder I wound up falling for him so long ago. Even though that's been over he's too afraid of what will happen if we see each other in a non-public place on our own. He's not sure whether my crazy will beat out my love and friendship for N...and with their relationship the way it is now I guess I don't blame him.

Whenever I come back to this goddamn place the drama starts again. I can't get away from it. If I were there with John things would be different; if I didn't see T and N so much I wouldn't be so worried about T's well being and would actually ask him for help. And this is not even mentioning the roommate drama of kittens! crazy boyfriends! and lease breaking!