Every so often I get urges to clean things really thoroughly, and I just spent the last two and a half hours scrubbing down the bathroom I share with my two male roommates (somehow I got stuck on the guys' floor!). It really, really needed cleaning - I hadn't done it since probably right after Halloween and I doubt the guys did much since then. I got super stressed and busy with finals and grad school, then I went home, and for the last week I've had a ton of stuff to do. It was really nasty.
I'm allergic to most cleaning products so I generally use combinations of vinegar, baking soda, and lemon juice when I clean. It takes longer but is much better on my hands. Anyway I did the sink, mirror, toilet, floor, and shelves with vinegar and such and still wasn't happy. So I busted out my rubber gloves (which I'm also slightly allergic to, but not as badly) and then wiped everything down again with a bleach cleaner and another disinfectant. That bathroom has never been so clean! How long until the guys mess it up again?
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
As an update to the last post...
I just talked to John and things are better. He's decided he doesn't have to be an asshole if it means losing me, and promises that he overreacted out of surprise and defensiveness the other day. I don't know; I'm still wary, but at least I know what he's thinking now. So I've gone from terrible hurt to angry, and am now reaching the "whatever" stage in that it's possible right now he's more trouble than he's worth.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
self-pitying, whiny, very long rant ahead
It's always easy for me to see the problems in other people's relationships. That sounds pretty awful and judgmental but it's true - maybe having lived through an abusive relationship for four of the most formative years of my life did wind up teaching me something. Not to say that's always the problem; I don't even know if that's the reason but whatever it is, I'm really perceptive when it comes to that sort of thing.
I saw last night that two of my closest friends, T and N who have been dating about 6 months now, are beginning some issues. She is prone to starting arguments with him and then getting huffy and self-righteous when he (as has always been his nature) takes it to a higher, more conceptual intellectual level that she can't follow. She puts herself above him all the time. But he really only dates girls like that, it's what he's used to. Then he gets overwhelmed and wears away at them until they dump him. It's really too bad because they are great otherwise.
Um, why am I discussing this? Well, I see the problems in my own relationships just as clearly, but I can't tell how things will play out. Most of all I see myself falling back into old habits, I see the stupid excuses pouring forth, but I can't stop it happening. The other day John actually told me straight out that he likes making certain types of girls miserable - it makes him happy. He won't stop screwing with them because it's "part of who he is," even though in the process he's hurting me so much. And yet I am perfectly able to convince myself that making me miserable doesn't please him; it's not a goal, it's an unfortunate side effect. Although I have my doubts as to how exactly he feels about our pseudo-relationship, I am sure it's not for the fucking me over aspect he so enjoys with the others. (And yet another part of me says - how sad is it that I can actually believe that?)
I bitched him out about it the other day and realized how much he is really willing to sacrifice to keep being an asshole. I said things that upset him (but were true, just said harshly, I think) and made him worry that I'm trying to control his life (when in reality I don't care what he does with his life, I'm trying to take control of my own life). So, now he's not speaking to me - he needs "time."
Through the wonders of Facebook I realized he was having a conversation with one of his music skanks while we were talking about this serious issue, and while I was sobbing to him about being an awful friend. Now I see that he's used this fight with me to continue his awful manipulations of this other music skank - "don't defriend her...remember, 'really good friends' don't get mad at each other :)" she wrote on his wall. I can't even explain the levels of bullshit here. He's playing innocent, making her feel bad for him, and I'm sure making me out to be horrible. All so that when she really falls for him hard he can fuck her and reject her. That's not even hyperbole - it's literally his pre-thought-out plan.
Just the thought that he's discussing our situation with his music skanks (while he won't talk to me) makes me feel sick, and more so because I know he's playing it to his advantage. When is time going to be up? How ridiculous is it that I'm still thinking, "well...I know him apart from his bitterness, I know the real John, and I know when he's done amusing himself he will come back to me." Hell, I don't even want to date him, so why am I so concerned? Well, I know that too but I won't go into it as it turns out to be a much deeper problem I have. I just don't get how I can see all of this from a disgusted outsider's perspective and the kind of beaten girlfriend thing I have going on.
T could help me out of this if he weren't so afraid of me at this point - he's the only person in the world who believes I can be strong (or "empowered" as he likes to say but that word squicks me out) and get past of all the issues M left me with. Little wonder I wound up falling for him so long ago. Even though that's been over he's too afraid of what will happen if we see each other in a non-public place on our own. He's not sure whether my crazy will beat out my love and friendship for N...and with their relationship the way it is now I guess I don't blame him.
Whenever I come back to this goddamn place the drama starts again. I can't get away from it. If I were there with John things would be different; if I didn't see T and N so much I wouldn't be so worried about T's well being and would actually ask him for help. And this is not even mentioning the roommate drama of kittens! crazy boyfriends! and lease breaking!
I saw last night that two of my closest friends, T and N who have been dating about 6 months now, are beginning some issues. She is prone to starting arguments with him and then getting huffy and self-righteous when he (as has always been his nature) takes it to a higher, more conceptual intellectual level that she can't follow. She puts herself above him all the time. But he really only dates girls like that, it's what he's used to. Then he gets overwhelmed and wears away at them until they dump him. It's really too bad because they are great otherwise.
Um, why am I discussing this? Well, I see the problems in my own relationships just as clearly, but I can't tell how things will play out. Most of all I see myself falling back into old habits, I see the stupid excuses pouring forth, but I can't stop it happening. The other day John actually told me straight out that he likes making certain types of girls miserable - it makes him happy. He won't stop screwing with them because it's "part of who he is," even though in the process he's hurting me so much. And yet I am perfectly able to convince myself that making me miserable doesn't please him; it's not a goal, it's an unfortunate side effect. Although I have my doubts as to how exactly he feels about our pseudo-relationship, I am sure it's not for the fucking me over aspect he so enjoys with the others. (And yet another part of me says - how sad is it that I can actually believe that?)
I bitched him out about it the other day and realized how much he is really willing to sacrifice to keep being an asshole. I said things that upset him (but were true, just said harshly, I think) and made him worry that I'm trying to control his life (when in reality I don't care what he does with his life, I'm trying to take control of my own life). So, now he's not speaking to me - he needs "time."
Through the wonders of Facebook I realized he was having a conversation with one of his music skanks while we were talking about this serious issue, and while I was sobbing to him about being an awful friend. Now I see that he's used this fight with me to continue his awful manipulations of this other music skank - "don't defriend her...remember, 'really good friends' don't get mad at each other :)" she wrote on his wall. I can't even explain the levels of bullshit here. He's playing innocent, making her feel bad for him, and I'm sure making me out to be horrible. All so that when she really falls for him hard he can fuck her and reject her. That's not even hyperbole - it's literally his pre-thought-out plan.
Just the thought that he's discussing our situation with his music skanks (while he won't talk to me) makes me feel sick, and more so because I know he's playing it to his advantage. When is time going to be up? How ridiculous is it that I'm still thinking, "well...I know him apart from his bitterness, I know the real John, and I know when he's done amusing himself he will come back to me." Hell, I don't even want to date him, so why am I so concerned? Well, I know that too but I won't go into it as it turns out to be a much deeper problem I have. I just don't get how I can see all of this from a disgusted outsider's perspective and the kind of beaten girlfriend thing I have going on.
T could help me out of this if he weren't so afraid of me at this point - he's the only person in the world who believes I can be strong (or "empowered" as he likes to say but that word squicks me out) and get past of all the issues M left me with. Little wonder I wound up falling for him so long ago. Even though that's been over he's too afraid of what will happen if we see each other in a non-public place on our own. He's not sure whether my crazy will beat out my love and friendship for N...and with their relationship the way it is now I guess I don't blame him.
Whenever I come back to this goddamn place the drama starts again. I can't get away from it. If I were there with John things would be different; if I didn't see T and N so much I wouldn't be so worried about T's well being and would actually ask him for help. And this is not even mentioning the roommate drama of kittens! crazy boyfriends! and lease breaking!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Food list
I've been browsing some foodie blogs and came across this fun list from http://www.verygoodtaste.co.uk/. It's about traditional Christmas meals, but that's okay! I am, as my mother says, a "baby cook" so don't be surprised that I've hardly made any of these things.
1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve tasted.
3) Place an asterisk after all the items you’ve cooked/prepared.
4) Optional: Cross out anything you never want to try, or add an exclamation mark after anything your really want to try. [I italicized things I don't want to try]
1. Crystallised or candied fruits
2. Egg nog
3. Bûche de Noël, or Yule log*
4. Rum balls
5. Bebinca!
6. Roasted chestnuts
7. Cavallucci!
8. Tourtière
9. Uszka(Not a fan of borscht, blech)
10. Port & Stilton
11. Hallaca!
12. Roast goose!
13. Lefse
14. Sugar plums!
15. Romeritos!
16. Pinnekjøtt
17. Hot toddy
18. Christmas cake
19. Tamales
20. Sorpotel
21. Panettone!
22. Candy canes
23. Pasteles
24. Speculaas
25. Makowiec!
26. Christmas pudding
27. Stollen!
28. Figgy pudding
29. Lebkuchen!
30. Turrón!
31. Mince pies*
32. Wassail bowls
33. Buñuelos!
34. Pio Quinto!
35. Marzipan fruits
36. Mulled wine*
37. King cake
38. Christmas beach barbecue (not really sure what this means?)
39. Cola de mono!
40. Lutefisk
41. Kutia!
42. Pizzelle
43. Dominostein!
44. Cranberry sauce* (My brothers and I used to work for a family friend's company that made gourmet cranberry sauce - it was delicious! I don't remember the recipe but my oldest brother does and I keep meaning to get him to write it down.)
45. Pfeffernüsse
46. Satsumas or clementines
47. Pumpkin pie*
48. Smalahove
49. Nut roast
50. Brandy butter!
It seems I am woefully unworldly in terms of holiday foods.
1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve tasted.
3) Place an asterisk after all the items you’ve cooked/prepared.
4) Optional: Cross out anything you never want to try, or add an exclamation mark after anything your really want to try. [I italicized things I don't want to try]
1. Crystallised or candied fruits
2. Egg nog
3. Bûche de Noël, or Yule log*
4. Rum balls
5. Bebinca!
6. Roasted chestnuts
7. Cavallucci!
8. Tourtière
9. Uszka(Not a fan of borscht, blech)
10. Port & Stilton
11. Hallaca!
12. Roast goose!
13. Lefse
14. Sugar plums!
15. Romeritos!
16. Pinnekjøtt
17. Hot toddy
18. Christmas cake
19. Tamales
20. Sorpotel
21. Panettone!
22. Candy canes
23. Pasteles
24. Speculaas
25. Makowiec!
26. Christmas pudding
27. Stollen!
28. Figgy pudding
29. Lebkuchen!
30. Turrón!
31. Mince pies*
32. Wassail bowls
33. Buñuelos!
34. Pio Quinto!
35. Marzipan fruits
36. Mulled wine*
37. King cake
38. Christmas beach barbecue (not really sure what this means?)
39. Cola de mono!
40. Lutefisk
41. Kutia!
42. Pizzelle
43. Dominostein!
44. Cranberry sauce* (My brothers and I used to work for a family friend's company that made gourmet cranberry sauce - it was delicious! I don't remember the recipe but my oldest brother does and I keep meaning to get him to write it down.)
45. Pfeffernüsse
46. Satsumas or clementines
47. Pumpkin pie*
48. Smalahove
49. Nut roast
50. Brandy butter!
It seems I am woefully unworldly in terms of holiday foods.
Monday, January 19, 2009
back to school
It's a really strange feeling to know this is the last time I will come back here for a new semester. I won't wander around the buildings looking for my new classes or have the delight of finding my friends there when I sit down. Don't get me wrong; I'm glad to be getting out of this place. I am no small town girl and 4 years here, even if it is extremely liberal and cosmopolitan for an upstate NY town, had made me really antsy and claustrophobic. I won't miss our rather nice crack dealers next door (at least in NYC you might expect that, living in one of the poorer areas as I do here) nor will I miss the ridiculous parking laws. In fact, I will not miss driving at all one bit. I just can't wait to graduate and move on to the next part of my life, though grad school will be pretty much the same thing.
I'm already behind on my reading, as per usual, and I haven't even had a class yet! After some consideration I've decided to drop any class not necessary to graduate and/or complete my thesis, in an effort to cut down on my huge stress level. So that leaves the senior honors seminar (a BS "human nature" class that makes me rather stabby), Intro to Poetry (ha! to finish my English minor), a Biological Anthro (I need another science requirement) and my independent study to finish the thesis. I'm hoping this means I'll have more time to chill out, spend time with the roommates, see other friends, and cook for myself. I'm pretty confident I can lose those 5-10 pounds this semester as long as I have time to prepare decent food - I'm already messing that up though as this morning I had yogurt, granola, and a brownie for breakfast. Sigh, that's what happens when my roommate brings back a bag full of them!
I am terrified of seeing Jason again as he must be so disappointed in me. I can't believe I failed that class because of the fucking final paper. I told him so many times I needed an easier topic but he had so much confidence in me...then I just froze up. I couldn't do it, I just didn't have the breadth of knowledge required. He knows I worked harder than anyone else in that class and we are pretty close anyway. I'm so ashamed of that I don't even want to see him.
I'm already behind on my reading, as per usual, and I haven't even had a class yet! After some consideration I've decided to drop any class not necessary to graduate and/or complete my thesis, in an effort to cut down on my huge stress level. So that leaves the senior honors seminar (a BS "human nature" class that makes me rather stabby), Intro to Poetry (ha! to finish my English minor), a Biological Anthro (I need another science requirement) and my independent study to finish the thesis. I'm hoping this means I'll have more time to chill out, spend time with the roommates, see other friends, and cook for myself. I'm pretty confident I can lose those 5-10 pounds this semester as long as I have time to prepare decent food - I'm already messing that up though as this morning I had yogurt, granola, and a brownie for breakfast. Sigh, that's what happens when my roommate brings back a bag full of them!
I am terrified of seeing Jason again as he must be so disappointed in me. I can't believe I failed that class because of the fucking final paper. I told him so many times I needed an easier topic but he had so much confidence in me...then I just froze up. I couldn't do it, I just didn't have the breadth of knowledge required. He knows I worked harder than anyone else in that class and we are pretty close anyway. I'm so ashamed of that I don't even want to see him.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Et in Arcadia ego
I find "Arcadia" such a nice word. The sound is so twisty and pleasing and I love the mythology and other connections.
Arcadia was a Utopian, pastoral land of antiquity, generally equated with natural styles of living and coexisting with the environment. I find the many traditional paintings of it so soothing, if sometimes a bit boring with all that pastoralism.
I love "Et in Arcadia ego," [even in Arcadia I exist] spoken by Death to remind us of that possibility in even the most idyllic places and situations.
I love Tom Stoppard's play Arcadia for a lot of reasons - it examines the nature of history, explores how much we can really understand the past, is interesting and really funny. Sad, but ultimately very thought-provoking and entertaining. A quote:
I love Arcadia as a name. Recently, that is. Sure, it's technically a place name, and I generally loathe place names, but it has so much history and so many connections, along with a lovely sound and look, how could I pass it up? The French version, Arcadie, is so sweet. Right now I'm definitely in love with this and the similar Acacia.
Arcadia was a Utopian, pastoral land of antiquity, generally equated with natural styles of living and coexisting with the environment. I find the many traditional paintings of it so soothing, if sometimes a bit boring with all that pastoralism.
I love "Et in Arcadia ego," [even in Arcadia I exist] spoken by Death to remind us of that possibility in even the most idyllic places and situations.
I love Tom Stoppard's play Arcadia for a lot of reasons - it examines the nature of history, explores how much we can really understand the past, is interesting and really funny. Sad, but ultimately very thought-provoking and entertaining. A quote:
Mrs Chater is charming and spirited, with a pleasing voice and a dainty step, she is the epitome of all the qualities society applauds in her sex – and yet her chief renown is for a readiness that keeps her in a state of tropical humidity as would grow orchids in her drawers in January. -Septimus
I love Arcadia as a name. Recently, that is. Sure, it's technically a place name, and I generally loathe place names, but it has so much history and so many connections, along with a lovely sound and look, how could I pass it up? The French version, Arcadie, is so sweet. Right now I'm definitely in love with this and the similar Acacia.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Okay, I'm not walking home at 3:30am when it's 0 degrees out. It's just not going to happen, sorry. So if you, Boy, want me to come over and offer to pick me up you'll also have to drive me home - which means getting your lazy ass out of bed, putting clothes on, and going outside. Yes, it's only a couple of blocks but it's freaking cold out!
Oh, and no, I can't stay over when I have to be up in the morning to meet one of the many people I didn't get to see over break because I was hanging out with you so much. Sometimes I have other friends, imagine that!
Ergh, I love him dearly but The Boy can be so dense. And he didn't play the cello for me this break. :(
Oh, and no, I can't stay over when I have to be up in the morning to meet one of the many people I didn't get to see over break because I was hanging out with you so much. Sometimes I have other friends, imagine that!
Ergh, I love him dearly but The Boy can be so dense. And he didn't play the cello for me this break. :(
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